Will I cry?

Yes, the answer is yes! I will, I'm pretty, absolutely sure I will cry. And it's not a pretty cry where you can still understand my words cry, its the ugly, garbled cry where people just nod their heads...because let's be honest, whose gonna ask a crying woman 'what did you say?' This is also the day you forgot to put waterproof mascara on too (it's a bitch to wash off, who wears that every day?).

...it's not the pretty cry

It seems since I decided to go to a treatment program, I cry ALL the time when I talk about this. The absolute SHAME I have is crazy. The feeling like a failure. The worthlessness in the pit of my soul. You'd think my neurotransmitter chemicals would have balanced more where I can talk about my sins without crying but the evidence screams otherwise.

I'm a RN, a registered nurse who became addicted to pain pills after a million surgeries and hard recoveries. What was your reaction to that? Did you gasp a little? Like nurses are immune to addiction? Just because we have the knowledge, the education, it doesn't change the fact that my DNA gene woke up to the smell of coffee brewing in the morning, the rush of dopamine when I took those pills, the pills that took my pain away, the pills that I let destroy me. It is the disease of addiction. This is a debate all in itself which I don't feel like delving into right now; nature vs nurture=addiction vs choice its a combination of both in my opinion. Back to the fact that I am human and I have faults.

...like nurses are immune to addiction?

I am now looking for a job. I have 14 years experience in critical care. In a level two trauma center for most of those years. I wrongly assumed that my resume would counter balance my sins a little. I have spent the last few months putting resume after resume in and getting rejection email after rejection email. Prior to this, I could walk in and get any job I wanted. And if I would of reached out for help first, I would still have my job most likely. But I was scared. Scared I wouldn't keep my job and I'd be blacklisted like this.

...I was scared

I am grieving my career. I am grieving my identity to be honest. I grew up in an abusive home where I wasn't wanted, I am the cause of ruining my 'moms' life, she got pregnant with me on birth control and she resented me. I was never good enough etc., the usual, daily affirmations of emotional and mental abuse, throwing in all the other categories of abuse throughout the month. I understand she had her issues and she needed to feel better about herself so she degraded me every chance she got, she ultimately became a heroin addict (she's clean now), but the last time I saw her, for the first time in 12 years, she immediately started in on me and it knocked me to my knees, I was completely defenseless, I was that little girl standing there confused if why my mother hates me. I sat there and sobbed completely defenseless. I am usually the strong one, the 'I'm not taking your BS' person, but that day, I was the blubbering baby.

So my identity of being a nurse is being shattered by my own fault, my own sins, my own addictions. I became the one person I vowed I'd never become- my mother. However, my beautiful children ( I did break the cycle of abuse with my kids!!) and my lovely sister so kindly, gently and without judgement reminded me that I am DOING something about my addiction, I am getting HELP! I am fixing the problem, addressing the complex post traumatic stress disorder and social anxiety from 18 years of abuse. All of my abuse happened during all my formative years so whoever gets to be my counselor will have hit the jackpot!! Once I'm insured again.

I am doing something about my addiction

So, today I have an interview at a hospital. An actual hospital. Only explained by a miracle from God that I made it past the recruiter to an actual manager. The hospital is 3.5 hrs away. I'm ok with this, I will go wherever I can get a job and get this probation behind me. All of this is in Gods hands, my higher power because it is evident that it's not in my hands. I don't know Gods will I just hope he realizes that I am about to lose everything and I'm gonna have to file for bankruptcy if something doesn't change.

...it's in Gods hands now

So, will I cry during the interview? I absolutely hope not, a few tears is ok, but not the full Monty, the full meltdown show!

OK... after 7 hours driving there and back, my butt numb from sitting for so long, I took an aspirin to make sure I didn't form a clot, a DVT  in my legs and said my prayers. The interview went pretty well actually, I liked them and I think they liked me. They will talk to HR about me and I'll hear from them. Only God can get me past this point. So, I sit and wait and try not to fall in a deeper depression while I wait. Will I cry happy tears or sad tears? Time will tell. 

...happy tears or sad tears...tbd