I have been incognito lately, here and social media. It is such a struggle to fight for everyday, somedays. Constantly searching for jobs, politely declined because I am on probation from my DUII accident. I need to do 80 hours of community service but they gave two options- both 8 hr shifts and like 8-5, how are people supposed to get that done? I have NEVER been in trouble in my life and dealing with all this, it's obvious how the system is meant to keep you down...that's a whole other subject for another time and honestly, too much for me to handle right now, I'm just so frustrated about it.

here's the tea!!

Here's the tea!! Lost a so-called friend this last month, one who I thought would be a life-time friend after going through rehab together. It's sad when someone can't see how good they have it and get mad when you try to uplift them by showing them their silver lining- attitude of gratitude. I tried to show her, it could be worse; being in my position, having to clean houses and work at Amazon to try to survive while looking for someone to grace me with a nursing job. All while grieving my career, grieving my life and pissed at the disease of addiction, pissed at myself for succumbing to the disease especially when I thought I was stronger than that...it's quite the jagged, humongous pill to take-pun intended. This person, who knows my whole life practically, reached down and took the meanest hit, a below the belt hit, a hit that you can't come back from- took that and threw it back in my face and said 'have fun cleaning toilets and scanning boxes while I stay in my house with my loving husband and go to work as a nurse, quit whining about poor you, how your life is so bad and you we're so abused'. Now, this person watched me cry uncontrollably while reading my timeline (a timeline of my life) while in inpatient treatment, for THREE hours describing what I have been through... and then throws it in my face on her high horse!?!?!!! This person grew up in the Cleaver household and is actively complaining about her commute to her nursing job where she makes more than 15$ per hour, two-income household..and this bitch is telling me to quit feeling bad for myself and recognize her suffering??!!! OMG, my jaw hit the ground!! Like what? Excuse me?? I couldn't figure out what was happening?? However, this is why I have trust issues!! Why tell people stuff when they smear it in your face? I was so upset that it took me a minute to figure out that she was projecting, and that it wasn't about me at all, it was about her, I was just the scapegoat. While it did hurt my feelings greatly, it took me out for a couple of weeks, I had to regain my bearings a little and now in hindsight, I feel bad for her. I feel bad that she is so angry at herself she is willing to sacrifice anything to blame it on BUT that's how the disease of addiction operates. I pray for her and I hope she finds out what is really bothering. That's the tea...my life of drama in the recovery world and rehab friendships and setting boundaries. I am sad, however, I don't need that dysfunction in my way. Carry on ex-friend.

...grieving my career and my life...

However, I do have some light at the end of the tunnel, a little flashlight of light, it's not pitch black anymore!! I have two interviews next week and one is 99% in the bag! Even if its only 10 hrs per week, my foot is in the door and that's ALL I need!!! Amazon is opening a warehouse in Salem and I applied for a full-time position and I got it! 15 min from my house!! And hopefully working part-time as an RN and I can make it financially. My poor and amazing daughter is the only reason we are surviving right now, that's a whole other branch of failure I've been working through, I am proud of her but feel about 2 inches tall. All the consequences of my choices and my disease. BUT hopefully, we are reaching the peak of this stress and it's going to continue to improve. I have learned a whole new perspective on life, filing for food stamps, being overdrawn in my accounts and on the verge of losing everything really is an eye-opener into what's important. I have learned to pray A LOT, my higher power is the only way we're going to make it through this disaster I created.

Ohhh and on the tea front...have you tried tea lattes?? They are delicious and I have been totally into them lately!! I even bought a little milk frother thing so I can make my own at home