So, I just took a pill.... a million times that is and I ended up becoming an addict, imagine that right! Something I VOWED deep in my soul that would NEVER happen to me. My mother was a heroin addict and it destroyed her life (she's still alive and we have no relationship), however, in the meantime, I and my siblings were punished/tortured for all things wrong in her life. Little did I know, there was a > 50% chance of me becoming addicted to something, granted it wasn't heroin but a drug is a drug and it knocked me off my feet, my life became unmanageable. A 50/50 chance of addiction isn't very good odds, and I gambled with them and I lost.
I just took a pill
Posted by Danyelle Landry on
50% chance of becoming addicted
I am new to this world, new to blogging, new to making an online presence, you know, besides Facebook, IG, Twitter, Snapchat and whatever else I have signed up for over the years. I am not a writer per se, so you may have to forgive me if I violate some writing laws I am unaware of, I do know there is only ONE space after the period now, (which is a habit I need to break) and now you know I'm over 30 at least right?! Idk the 'age' cut-off officially, but I am definitely the 'old school' who WILL adapt with what's what and do only one flippin space after the period, haha!!
So, what I want to do is start a blog for healthcare professionals and addiction. I am unfortunately one of those now (publicly) and I want to share how the medical world views us, views addicts/me and how those not in healthcare view addicts/me. I want to talk about the layered aspects and fear of being addicted and the consequences of reaching out or being caught. Hopefully, this will speak to people across the board about addiction and professional life, not necessarily healthcare.
Addiction and being a professional
The world of addiction has always been around and it's one of a small group of things that does not discriminate. Every human is equally at risk for addiction. Young/old, rich/poor, any gender, every culture, every profession, every socioeconomic stance, and every race is at risk for addiction. Addiction does NOT care who you are, it only cares is to take you out. Addiction runs in families and it ruins families. Addiction is a symptom of something deeper, something that we're numbing ourselves from, we're hiding from, not dealing with something that is/was traumatic to us. And numbing it works, for a while.
I am an RN, graduated in 2006 at 30 years old. I have only worked ICU, I did a short stint in fixed-wing flight nursing, I loved it and I would have done it longer but the schedule was unpredictable and I had little kids at the time. I rose in the ranks in skill/performance of ICU and the social hierarchy of a unit. I loved my job and I was respected and liked for the most part, I think anyway! Until I was asked to submit a UA, and I refused because of pain pills. I had an Rx but I took them at work and I was scared, so I refused. I was let go. Talk about complete devastation, the rejection, the abandonment and all the feelings of childhood came in like a flood. I was reviewed by the board and cleared, with no punishment. Two years later, another suspicion and a dirty UA; pain pills and the added bonus of Adderall. At this point, my life was unmanageable, I had realized this the previous 6-8 months that I was addicted to pain pills and the withdrawal was agonizing. I had to keep using them to 'feel normal'. I was afraid to reach out for help, afraid of the judgment and the consequences.
I was scared. I realized I'd become addicted
I had several surgeries in a short amount of time, all with some sort of complications and ended up on pain pills continually. However, my tolerance also grew and the pain medication wasn't helping. I started taking more than I was supposed too and I felt good. I felt like I could get things done without hurting, without having to spend the next day in bed, paying for what I did the day before. What was wrong with that right? I started running out of my Rx earlier and earlier. Making up lies of why I needed to get it filled sooner etc. I started manipulating the system to get more, because I thought I deserved it. I'm 40 and I had major back surgery, I am always in pain and I have a tough physical job, being on my feet for 12-13 hrs per day so I deserved to have my pain treated. Little did I know that this was also numbing the pain from my childhood and my childhood is one of the major components of why I had become addicted- its a catch 22.
...because I thought I deserved it
These magic pills buffered things for me socially, my socially awkward self could fit in a little better, I wasn't constantly wondering if people liked me, or if they were just tolerating me because I was there. I wasn't constantly feeling like I wasn't good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not witty or funny...it was this constant spiral of negative self-talk that I went through daily and the pills gave me some self-confidence because I wasn't worried about all that, literally all the time. Who would of thought a pain pill would do all that?! So, instead of finding a counselor to dig through the trauma of childhood, I just took a pill.
I just took a pill
My life, the last five years has been turmoil after turmoil. I am desperately ready to take a deep breath and know deep in my soul that everything's gonna be OK. I went to inpatient treatment in June 2019, I can say I have been clean since last year now!! ;) I spent 30 days in inpatient and I loved every minute of it, the daily counseling, the support, the assurance that I am not a complete and udder failure. Followed by outpatient for three times a week, to now, one time a week. Plus a couple of NA meetings per week. I have been clean 218 days as of this writing. I am excited to go on this journey and I only hope is that my life experiences help one person. I want to share that we can get through the darkest hour, that while we are walking through the fire there is a refreshing waterfall of new beginnings ahead...corny enough?? haha, as corny as it is, it is my hope to walk through to the other side of this valley I'm in right now.
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